“I Love You” is a Complete Sentence

This post is for each of my children: Luke, Bridget, Henry, Sam, Jack, and Stella. And it is the most important thing I have ever written.

Three-and-a half years ago, I began a healing journey that would shake up all of our lives in ways we could never have imagined. The important thing is that Alice Miller was there at the beginning, getting me started: finally, after 54 years, I had something to hold onto. Why wouldn’t she still be exactly what we all need? This morning, something—no, God—God told me to take Free from Lies off the shelf and start again at the beginning. I listened, and I am already forever grateful that I was able to. What follows is a direct result of this morning’s reading of the Preface.

Luke, Bridget, Henry, Sam, Jack, and Stella—
Just yesterday, I got frustrated with one of you and said things I shouldn’t have said. I’ve already apologized and explained, but that’s not enough. It’s never been enough, and it’s time to get off this treadmill of hurting each other and hurting ourselves. We all deserve better than that.

Each one of you is confused about, angry at, and distrustful of me (and your father). YOU SHOULD BE. Why wouldn’t you be? Over and over throughout your childhoods, your father and I yanked you around by your emotions: treating you with love and tenderness one moment, then filling you with fear and confusion the next. Why? Not for anything you did, but because of our own wounds, frustrations, inadequacies, and unmet needs. We betrayed you when we yelled at you. We betrayed you when we punished you. We betrayed you when we humiliated you. We betrayed you when we made you feel like there was something wrong with you, that you weren’t good enough, that you didn’t deserve unconditional love. I am so, so sorry. But more than apologies, you deserve to know that everything you have ever felt because of me and your father is valid: all the confusion, all the anger, all the hate, all the frustration, all the abandonment; the anxiety, the depression, the despair, the rejection; discouragement, sadness, worry, helplessness, hopelessness, heartache, and insecurity. Why on earth wouldn’t you feel it? Please, please, please don’t ever again blame yourself for any of these feelings—or any feelings whatsoever. It was never your fault. It was always mine. I take full responsibility. I did not do the best I could. I always could have tried harder.

You were children who deserved love, care, tenderness, protection, loving and patient guidance. Any time you received something different from me and your father, it was our fault; never yours. Please don’t ever believe it was yours.

I know you now often find yourselves filled with confusion and conflict, and that takes an enormous toll on your bodies, your minds, your souls. None of that is your fault, so please stop blaming yourselves. You have all been carrying burdens that were never meant for you.

I now understand the difference between love and judgement, the difference between love and fear. I now know that “I love you” is a complete sentence, never to be followed by the word “but.”

I love each one of you because each one of you is you: perfect and unrepeatable because God made you perfect and unrepeatable. My love for you will never again be affected by what you say or don’t say, by what you do or don’t do. You are enough. You have always been enough, and I am so very sorry for every time I ever made you feel you weren’t.

I love you.